


dark disquiet

by saltfics



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: All four routes have already happpened, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Relationships Mentioned - Freeform, Byleth is aware, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Black Eagles Route Spoilers, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Blue Lions Route Spoilers, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Church Route Spoilers, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Golden Deer Route Spoilers, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I tagged the most important ones, Mentioned Black Eagles Students (Fire Emblem), Mentioned Blue Lions Students (Fire Emblem), Mentioned Golden Deer Students (Fire Emblem), Minor Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Bernadetta von Varley, Post-Blue Lions Route (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), Spoilers for Post-Timeskip | War Phase (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-01-25 19:09:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21361234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltfics/pseuds/saltfics
Summary: "She had told Dimitri to live for himself and not for the ghosts haunting him. What a hypocrite. She had traded three lives for the ghosts of her past so far. She didn’t know the meaning of living for herself."Byleth had lived through the war of Fodlan four times. No matter what she tried, she could never keep all three of her house leaders safe.But in a post-war Fodlan at the King's side, she longed to believe she had done enough and accept the love given to her. As the guilt grew and the reality of her powers haunted her with all the choices within reach, letting go could only happen piece by piece, broken and torn from her to be set free.Maybe this time she could forgive herself. And grieve only what had already been lost.
Relationships: Blue Lions Students & My Unit | Byleth, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/My Unit | Byleth, Minor or Background Relationship(s), My Unit | Byleth & Claude von Riegan, My Unit | Byleth & Seteth
Comments: 27
Kudos: 312





	1. Chapter 1

This was the first time Edelgard would not be killed by her own hand, Byleth realized with a crushing wave of conflicting emotions she didn’t know when she had learned how to feel—grief and pain, regret and so so much relief—and she fought not to falter in her step as she stood next to Dimitri, his guardian shadow this time around. Edelgard, who had once stood next to her with trust in her eyes in a way she never truly trusted anyone, whose voice lilted when she called her ‘my _teacher_’ with a profound devotion, and who had fallen by her hand twice now, interrupted mid-sentence after it got too much for Byleth to listen anymore to her cherished, headstrong, brave, _misguided_ student claiming that if she were to fall she was glad that at least it would be by her teacher’s hands. And Byleth had marveled at how she could have believed such a thing when she hadn’t stood by her as a teacher should and choked on her own shame at how _she_ was the one with the memories of their time together and had still loved her less. Had she loved her less? That had to be what it meant.

But this was Dimitri’s time, and whenever those two clashed they always meant to fall by each other’s hands instead. A wasteful fate, but fate it was, Byleth was sure of it. Or that was what she would tell herself, louder and louder as she fought back the urge to hit the divine pulse once again, and go back to the start, find a path that would save all three of her students. Louder and louder until it could drown out the memories of all she had witnessed, again and again, so she wouldn’t have to choose the version of their lives she preferred. But it hardly ever was loud enough anymore.

In a final attempt, Edelgard plunged her knife—or was it his?—in Dimitri’s shoulder and Byleth startled, not just for the wound itself, but for the memory it brought to the forefront of her mind in a violent flash: Aymr swung through the air, taking the prince’s head clean with it. She had called it mercy. Byleth had believed her at a time, but then again, she had believed a lot of things back then.

They walked out of the throne room and she took his hand, stopped him from looking back towards the fallen. In his hesitation, Byleth saw herself. In his wishing, her own longing, and she craved for someone to take her own hand and guide her forward, away from the past and all the choices she could have made. Those she still could. The gift to untangle all the possibilities and thread them any way she liked now more often felt like a curse, when the strings of choices and fate and time reached around her neck to strangle her in their grasp. She longed for Sothis to stroke her face and tell her it was fate, but she had four different lives to prove that few things were set in stone anymore.

Later, Dimitri found her at the Goddess Tower. She wasn’t surprised. She forced down the memories of similar moments, of precious intimacy and feelings that had once felt akin to love but couldn’t have been, not if she had ran right after, not if she had forsaken them the second she had woken up, again, to three Academy students asking for their help. Her heart, though not beating, swelled with affection for the man before her. Her kind prince. Her tortured king. She allowed herself this, despite the fear that those feelings too would fade, should she choose to do it all over again. _My beloved, _he called her, and she longed to stay, to have this.

“Please… Ι beg of you, say something!” _I__’ve had to go through three lives where you died in front of me, and sometimes I can’t believe how far you’ve come. _“If you don’t wish to accept this, please just tell me. If so, I will face the truth and walk away.”

“You beat me to it,” Byleth said, instead of _I love you_. The realization threatened to make her come undone. He _had_ beat her to it. She was planning on asking herself. Never before had she asked, not when she had known this future would not linger long enough for her to have a choice.

_Maybe this time I_ _’ve tried enough. Maybe this time I can stay._

She had told Dimitri to live for himself and not for the ghosts haunting him. What a hypocrite. She had traded three lives for the ghosts of her past so far. She didn’t know the meaning of living for herself.

* * *

It wouldn’t be a true celebration if Byleth didn’t excuse herself early to get some peace outside, nor if a former house leader didn’t come seek her out for doing so. The identity of said house leader varied, of course, and while she wasn’t certain what she was expecting, Byleth felt more than a little twinge of surprise when she snuck a glance behind her and found Claude, of all people, walking up to her on the balcony. Claude hadn’t stayed for her coronation even when she had devoted her life—one of them—to him, yet here he was at Dimitri’s, seeking out a professor he hadn’t gotten the chance to know this time around. Perhaps it was because unlike their joined past, in this time he still had too many unanswered questions to immediately depart. Not that Byleth would indulge him.

“You never knew how to enjoy a good party, did you, Teach?” he mused, copying her pose and resting his hands against the railing. “Or is it, ‘your Grace’ now?”

A small smile touched her lips, at the same time as a rush of grief and misplaced affection rattled her, the way it always did when Claude tried to approach her. Claude, who had been the first one to call her his _friend_, rather than professor, who had shown only joy at her return, who insisted on fighting together, side by side, for a better future. Claude, who didn’t know where he belonged and in this lifetime she had failed to show him. It was a hollow sort of distance, to know so many intimate details about a person when they didn’t even remember a time when they trusted you enough to tell you.

“What are you doing here, Claude?” Byleth asked, not unkindly. “I expected you to be in Almyra by now, wreaking havoc until you brought peace.” She didn’t turn to look at him, but from the corner of her vision, she saw his smile falter at her words. Right. That too was knowledge she was not supposed to have.

“How did you…”

“You wondered in Dedriu,” she continued, ignoring his confusion, “what would have happened if I had picked you instead of Dimitri. Do you want to know why I made that choice?”

The levity in her tone must have shocked him, for he gave an awkward, mirthless laugh, weighed down by her implications. The could-have-been’s were not lost on him either, though at least he didn’t have to suffer from the reality of them, or from how within reach they could be. “Be kind to me, Teach,” he teased through the nervousness.

“You were… the easiest choice, you know,” she admitted, her gaze cast to her hands. The ring on her finger glimmered under the setting sun and she hid it with her other hand, detaching herself from the reality of this lifetime to reach the ones forgotten. Claude tensed next to her. “Morally, you did little wrong. You even tried to get Dimitri on the same side. You were strong and independent and you didn’t truly need me, but valued my presence with you, anyway.”

Byleth found the strength to look at him. She gave an encouraging smile at his confusion, no doubt at the tense of her words, spoken as if they had already come to pass instead of recalling a wishful fantasy. “But, you see… That’s the problem. You didn’t _need_ me, Claude. And it was… selfish… of me, I think, to pick the easiest decision. In another lifetime we would be fighting for your ambition together.” Claude flinched. Whether at her knowledge or the words themselves, she didn’t know. Byleth hated that look on his face and she lost herself trying to explain herself, to make him understand. “But they needed me. And if I could save at least one more of you- They needed me and I couldn’t…” Images from the battle of Gronder assaulted her and she choked back a sob, eyes clenched shut against the memory. _He deserved a better end, _Hilda lamented in her head. _Why did he have to go like that? _“… I couldn’t let him _die. _I couldn’t… I’m _sorry_…”

The tears flowed free from her eyes now, though she was silent in her misery, the lone sob an exception she refused to repeat. Her face scrunched up in pain regardless, curling in on herself. Claude startled at her reaction but didn’t waste any time to pull her into an embrace, unaware of the memories he brought with it that only made her tremble harder.

“Hey, hey, easy, Teach. It’s okay…” he whispered, tucking her into his chest. “And to think, people used to call you emotionless…”

“I…”

“Hey, come on. None of that. Have I ever wondered what it would be like if you had chosen my house instead? Sure. But I’m not planning on letting your absence stop me. You’re damn right I didn’t need you, and I don’t now.” He paused to consider how that sounded. “I say that affectionately. You know what I mean.” Byleth snorted at his wink. “Besides…” Claude added with a softer voice, “Ι know you love him.” He nodded towards the ring still worn on her right hand. “You can’t feel guilty about that. You’d better invite me to the wedding—and this time actually stay to the end of the party, yes?” He grinned at the sound of her laughter. “_Promise me_, Teach. Wanna go back inside?” he asked after she nodded.

“Thank you, Claude,” Byleth sighed as they headed towards their friends once more, leaving behind the quiet intimacy of the spreading night and all the secrets it lured out with it.

“And hey,” Claude said, the arm he had around her giving a friendly squeeze. “Just because you weren’t my teacher in the Academy, doesn’t mean we can’t be friends now, right? And after we develop a long and lasting friendship, one day you can tell me that truth that you’re hiding.”

The look he gave her was pointed but not accusatory, and she couldn’t blame him, not after all the knowledge she was not supposed to have, all the memories of times that had never existed. And yet, Claude was giving her a way out, a truce and a chance at something she had never managed in any other paths. The chance to keep them both. Not in the same way perhaps, but the days when she thought she could spend her life with Claude were long gone, anyway. She nodded at him with the understanding in her eyes he had expected and as they walked inside, twin smiles adorning their faces, Byleth hoped that maybe, just maybe, in this truce she could shed off her shoulders the wishes of lifetimes spent with the Golden Deers, and give herself one less thing to regret.

* * *

The cathedral was quiet at this time of night. The emptiness cast the shadows larger around her, with only the moonlight and a lone candelabra she had relented to light shedding little light into the vast interior. Her every step echoed against the marble floor and the gentle breeze drifting in from the open doors sounded like hushed whispers against her ears.

Byleth stood in front of the Goddess’ statue, trying to meet its empty gaze. The polished marble held little warmth for the people at her feet and worst of all, the resemblance to the friend she had grown up with was scarce, if at all apparent. There was no comfort to be found in a vessel emptier than Byleth herself, yet she remained there, eyes tilted upwards and fought back the sting there. The pressure on her chest increased the longer she stayed, the silence in her mind bringing forth the depth of her loneliness. Sothis would not speak to her anymore. She thought she had gotten used to that loss. But layer upon layer of reality was stacked upon her, and with the absence of the one person who could understand all the horrible choices she had made to break the flow of time, the emptiness inside her stretched like the darkness in which Solon had once trapped her.

Tired, in her body as well as her mind, she lowered herself down to her knees, aware that she no longer had the strength to remove herself from the room tonight. The day's events played out in her head, joy and sorrow mixing together and she wished she could just focus on one so she could figure out how to deal with a single feeling at a time.

Her own wedding, due to its nature, needed time to be planned. In the meantime, as the Archbishop it was not uncommon for her to perform such ceremonies. Especially not for her precious students who would ask with such bliss in their eyes and she couldn’t deny them, despite the pain it often brought. Earlier that day, an unlikely pairing she had seen bloom during the war had their former professor bless their union. Bernadetta had looked ready to faint from nerves and excitement alike, while Felix’s embarrassment about the whole ordeal would have been funny, if not for the uncharacteristic soft look in his eyes when he gazed upon his soon-to-be wife. Byleth had smiled with genuine happiness at the time, yet in the brief moments of quiet, when her thoughts had been allowed to roam, she couldn’t stop the flashes of another time, a different life, where the same girl had stood in that spot opposite a man with flowing ginger hair instead.

With the darkness swirling around her, Byleth thought about futures that didn’t come to pass and she fought against the question of what she might have taken from her poor student without the girl ever realizing what had been lost. This was what people didn’t, couldn’t, could _never_ know about her: Byleth, too, held her fair share of ghosts. They lingered at the corners of her visions sometimes, played out in the back of her mind like a tune she couldn’t dispel, when something clicked in a way both familiar and wrong, and the reality she was presented with clashed with what she thought she had known. They weren’t the voices and mirages of the dead that haunted Dimitri, but rather, echoes of the lives she had once watched unravel, then tossed aside as if everyone’s fate was hers to decide. They rang, loud and accusing sometimes, when she saw her former students married and blissful and so unaware of the lives they once had, of how they had once chosen a different partner to share them with, and the ghosts of what could have been, the forsaken loves that had once stood, hung before Byleth like a curtain, tinting all the happiness she witnessed around her a dull gray.

She heard the footsteps behind her approach and the irony was not lost on her, how similar she must have looked to when Dimitri himself would stand right at this spot in the cathedral, sacrificed to the ghosts of his past.

"Should I tell you to go away?" Byleth said, not entirely certain herself whether she meant it as a joke.

"You- you could..." Dimitri admitted and despite everything, she was glad to hear him more embarrassed than guilty at the memory. "But I must warn you, I will only do what you did for me back then."

"And what is that?"

"Stay." His voice was soft around the word, gratitude and affection easing any sharp corners he had left in her presence.

True to his word, he came to sit down only a few steps away from her, silent but present. The idea that she had brought him back then the same aching comfort that twisted in her chest now might have been at least a little foolish, but she was content to believe the innocent lie and maybe take those missing steps to reach him. He acknowledged the proximity with merely a small smile, yet he allowed her to ground herself in the touch of their shoulders pressed against each other. All throughout the night.

In the first light of dawn, when the gentle glow illuminated the statue of the goddess for a new day, Byleth thought for the first time that the voice of Sothis in her head was not some piece of wishful thinking, but her friend, telling her she had done enough. This time she could choose to stay.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Byleth fought hard against the urge to turn back time now, back to the start of this entire conversation and kiss him until she could erase the memory of his pain at her hands, her words, her actions. 
> 
> She needed to know, however, and needed him to know if he could live with that knowledge, if he could live with her, despite it."
> 
> On the eve of her wedding, Byleth has some difficult truths to share.

Byleth’s reflection stared at her from the mirror, with eyes wide, mouth closed and without expression. What would they say if they saw her now? Look at the Ashen Demon, unemotional even on the day of her wedding. What a scary queen she would make. It wasn’t true, though. She didn’t lack emotions. Rather, they were so many things rattling against her chest, feelings she was not equipped to handle, not after being closed off for most of her life, and her face once again did not know how to react to it. Her hands still shook in unnoticeable little tremors and she blinked a hint too fast to fight back the tears threatening her eyes. Byleth took in the pearlescent white dress flowing around her figure, trailing behind her into a short train. Her sleeves were adorned in thin white lace, as was her chest from the neckline to the collar. Her hair was tied into a delicate updo, perhaps for the first time in her life, adorned with a hair comb decorated with tiny fresh flowers and light blue jewels to match the glimmering blue accent on the cuff of her sleeves and waist.

She looked like the bride of a king and she felt like a fraud. She felt the Blue Lions brooch Mercedes had helped hide between the folds of her dress, a reminder of where she belonged and she longed to stay. A part of her didn’t want to do this. It would make it harder when she had to leave, when the guilt of the losses she carried with her forced her to try yet again, though she didn’t know what path she had left to take.

She gazed upon the ring on her finger and brought the conversation from the night before to the front of her mind...

* * *

“Isn’t there some sort of rule forbidding us from spending the night before our wedding together?”

Dimitri let out a low chuckle, slipping his hands in hers. “I believe it’s a tradition, my love, and it only applies to sharing a bed. A tradition I am not increasingly fond of at the moment, I must admit…”

The palace gardens were empty at this time of night, and the couple found refuge in this rare moment of peace. The ceremony was tomorrow and behind the excitement lurked the knowledge of how different things would be once their bond became official. Byleth was going to be the queen consort of Fodlan, as well as the Archbishop of the Church of Seiros. Of all her endings, this seemed to be the most complicated one yet. And still, she hadn’t left. Though…with what she was planning to do tonight, she was prepared to have to flee.

“What is it?” Dimitri asked, a frown marring his once content expression. “What troubles you?” He had gotten so much better at reading her. A small part of her hoped it would help him understand her, but she doubted it had been hope that had lead her to this decision. It sounded more like sabotaging to her. Coward.

Byleth walked over to the bushes, admiring the assortment of flowers growing around the pathway. Fhirdiad was known for the cold, as she had quickly found out upon spending more than a few days in the capital. In fact, at her arrival, Dedue handed her an early wedding gift on behalf of her former class: a beautiful long coat, in the colors of her old mercenary coat, decorated with royal blue patterns, where she recognized the delicate handiwork of Mercedes herself. It was thick with fur and the softest of fabrics and it finally allowed her to enjoy her walks in the crisp cold. It was almost as comfortable as when Dimitri would drape his own oversized blue cape around her, even if it was more of a blanket on her. She missed the scent of him on her garment, but at least it wouldn’t have her soon-to-be husband freeze.

She knelt to take a closer look at a cluster of small blue flowers with bright yellow centers. They looked so tiny and vulnerable like they shouldn’t be able to survive the winter. Her fingers brushed over the petals, careful not to rip any. “Forget-me-not…” she muttered, her face crumbling ever so slightly at the irony in front of her. When Dimitri lowered himself by her side, the concern in his expression pierced at her. “May I?” She gestured towards the stem.

“My love, everything here is as yours as it is mine.” There was a twinge of sadness in his voice and she knew it was not because of his words, but rather because she felt the need to ask for his permission. Coupled with her reluctance to confess her worries to him, Dimitri’s face held a hesitant misery that broke Byleth’s heart. And she would have loved to chase it away, smoothen the frown lines with a kiss, make him smile. But instead she was going to make it so much worse, before it got better, if it ever could.

Byleth cut the flower with care not to shake the petals too much. With a gentle smile on her face, she reached towards Dimitri and, taking his confusion as an invitation, she steadied the small thing between his pale blond locks. Even in the scarce moonlight, she caught the faint red tint to his cheeks at the gesture. It didn’t prevent him from catching her hand in his as she withdrew, and kiss the inside of her palm in a move so tender, it made her wonder how Dimitri could break so many things when he could love with such softness.

“I need to tell you something…” Byleth took his other hand too and pulled them both to their feet. She guided them to a nearby bench, the worn marble frozen cold from the exposure to low temperatures.

“You can tell me anything,” he reassured, giving their intertwined hands a squeeze. “What is it?”

Byleth had to force herself not to grip back. He was worried enough already. “Before I start, I just want you to know that I will understand if you hate me afterward…” Dimitri immediately opened his mouth to protest, but she held up a hand to halt him. “I need you to promise me, though, that you won’t go through with the wedding tomorrow if that’s the case. Please, promise me you won’t trap yourself with me just to keep your word, not if you… not if you can’t live with this.”

“_What_ are you talking about?” His voice was louder now, raised with the insult of her words. Still, Dimitri looked more upset than angry, brows furrowed over his single saddened eye, the frown etched deep in his features. “Do you honestly believe—” He shook his head and any unpleasant words along with it. “Talk to me, _please_. What could you possibly think I wouldn’t forgive? Of you? You who has stood by my side. Who has endured so much from me—what could I hold against you?”

“I did not stand by your side,” Byleth said. A barrier shattered inside of her, her secrets spilling out into the night air. It stole her breath for a second and her chest ached with newfound regret. “Not at first, not for a long time.”

“I don’t understand…”

_Come on. You owe it to him. He needs to know. _And if she screwed up, she could always go back again. “I’ve lived through the war of Fodlan four times.” _Not again. Please, not again. I can__’t hurt them. I can’t watch them die._

“I’m… Forgive me, I still do not understand,” Dimitri muttered. “What do you mean?”

“Remember how I told you the goddess had granted me her power? Back when we fought Solon?”

He nodded. “When your appearance changed. He trapped you in that-that _void_! How could I forget? You were only my professor back then, but already you were so… invaluable to me. I was terrified for you. For a moment I thought—” Byleth placed a finger on his lips to stop him, before stroking her knuckles against his cheek. “Right. I guess that wasn’t your point. Do go on.”

“Sothis granted me her powers,” she repeated. Dimitri stiffened at the mention of the goddess’s name. Was it a blasphemy to speak her name so freely? It was true, she didn’t hear it around often. Her friend wouldn’t mind, though. “And one of those powers is… time manipulation.”

“Time… manipulation…” Dimitri repeated, slowly.

She nodded. “I can turn back time sometimes. It’s not unlimited and it’s usually only for a few minutes at a time. But it’s true. It has certainly been… useful, during battle. The amount of times…” She trailed off, clenching her eyes against the memories of fallen. So many fallen, so many different times. “Not important.”

Dimitri took her face in his hands, brushed her cheeks in comfort. He leaned forward, bringing their foreheads together. “Did you watch us die, my love?”

Byleth let out a soft sound, between a laugh and a sniffle, unreadable even in her displays of emotion. “You believe me so easily?”

“You would not lie about this. And while it is… hard to wrap my head around, I admit, we have seen things in the past years. Besides, I would be lying if I said I hadn’t once thought that the goddess may have granted you clairvoyance; you were that good at predicting our enemies' moves. I suppose I had it backward though, didn’t I?”

Relief rushed through her in a breath, the long exhale taking with it at least one part of the struggle. Having to prove the truth of her words had not been something she had looked forward to, given how painful they would be to get out in the first place. “Thank you, Dimitri.”

He pressed a kiss on her cheek. Byleth could hear the warmth in his voice as he whispered in her ear. “Did you think I would hate you because in some fractures of time that don’t exist anymore, we died?” He pushed back to look her in the eyes, a somber gaze masking the fondness underneath. “Byleth, the fact that you would carry that burden alone… I cannot imagine what you’ve seen. But I can listen, lessen your load as much as I can. I beg you, do not feel like you must go through this alone. You’re not alone anymore.”

_I didn__’t watch_.

_Aymr slicing through the air—_

_I helped._

_—taking the prince_ _’s head clean with it._

_I didn_ _’t stand by you._

_“Why did you choose Edelgard, professor?”_

_I left you to die._

_“Why did you choose this bloody path?”_

_Again and again and again._

“My love, you’re shaking.” Dimitri made a move to unclip his cape before Byleth stopped him. She wanted to take his hands in hers, grip tightly to assure herself he wouldn’t go, yet she didn’t want to touch him as she spoke, for fear he would flinch away from her grasp.

“You’re not listening to me, Dimitri…” The name rolled of her lips with fondness and she remembered the days where it stood hesitant on her tongue, in all the timelines where their separate houses kept them distant, where he didn’t let her in. “I’ve lived through the war of Fodlan _four_ times,” she repeated. “I don’t know why sometimes this power, this pulse, allows me to travel this far back. But… it always lets me reset to that moment.”

He had gone still, expression fading away into a careful nothingness, save for the slight tremble in his hands. “Which moment?”

“When you came and asked for help. With the bandits. When we first met.”

Dimitri gaped, his icy blue eye widened in shock. “That’s…No, you can’t…Byleth, that was so long ago—_Four_ times?” She nodded. “Why? What did you… change…” She saw the realization dawn on him. His hands where they had been holding on to her arms fell back to his side, his shoulders slumping a bit forward. The shock in his eyes dulled into something far more heartbreaking. “The houses.”

She nodded, uncertain of where to go from there. Thankfully or not, Dimitri had too many questions to let the silence settle.

“Who did you choose? Truly?”

“I chose all of you,” she tried to deflect, with little hope or success.

“And yet you chose me last, did you not? Fourth time.” He ran a hand through his face, crumbled as it was in pain.

“Dimitri, it had nothing to do with you—I just…”

“You what?” he demanded, and the volume in his voice caused her to flinch back. He noticed her reaction and a hint of guilt softened his eyes among the sadness. Gone was the fallen prince who would growl at her to leave his sight. No, this was the man who had longed to marry her in the morning and whose heart she was shattering into a million pieces. “Talk me through it. What choices did you make each time? Who came first?”

“Edelgard.”

She felt his cringe of pain as her own, cutting deep into her lungs. Shock. Hurt. Betrayal. Byleth fought hard against the urge to turn back time now, back to the start of this entire conversation and kiss him until she could erase the memory of his pain at her hands, her words, her actions. She needed to know, however, and needed _him_ to know if he could live with that knowledge, if he could live with her, despite ir. “It wasn’t a reflection on you, I promise.” He didn’t speak, but the intensity behind his look urged her to continue. “I didn’t know then how important such a decision was. I knew nothing about being a teacher and they asked me to teach a class. There were things that stood out about them, I guess. Edelgard was always evaluating me, and like a child, I wanted the satisfaction of proving myself to her. I saw the potential in Lindhart and Bernadetta, wanted to see if I could coax it out. Caspar’s enthusiasm was refreshing. Dorothea took a liking to me. I wanted to know more about Petra. Ferdinand was so eager to prove himself as well. Hubert… well, Hubert I thought was the person I wanted on my side rather than against me. Back then, it was the class, not the leader that drew me to them. I didn’t even find out about student exchanges until later,” she rambled on about the individual students, rather than the leader herself, focusing his attention elsewhere.

Dimitri nodded. “Go on. Then what happened? Did you…” His gaze darkened at the thought, hand twitching at his side, looking for something. She clenched hers into a fist so she wouldn’t attempt to touch him, not now. “Did you _aid _her? With the war?” The hint of repulsion in his voice hurt more than all the awful dismissals she had endured during the war.

“The first time, yes.”

“First—_Oh. _You said four times. But there were only three houses.”

“Yes. I helped her the first time, it’s true. I didn’t really understand the politics of it at the time, Dimitri. I trusted in her words, empathized with her story, with all she had gone through and I…” Byleth turned her gaze away, blinking with fury at the tears. Not now. Not yet. There was still so much to go through. “I only wished to protect my student.”

“Yet you still ‘restarted’, didn’t you? Why?”

To his credit, Dimitri kept most of his emotions in check, determined to hear the rest of her story. Her heart swelled with affection for the man in front of her. If it were beating, it would be thumping with fear against her chest, knowing how close she was to losing him for good.

“Edelgard wanted to get rid of anything divine. Even so, she refused to dispose of me, regardless of my connection with the goddess.” He adopted a strange expression at that statement, one Byleth couldn’t read. “I do have a connection with the goddess, however. She was my… companion. My friend. And she protected me. At some point, perhaps later than it should have been, I realized that this was not what I should have done. It couldn’t be the path I was meant to take. Not if it meant ridding the world of my friend. I understand where Edelgard was coming from and change was needed in Fodlan, but the violent severing of the Church was not something I could stand behind any longer. I was not a moment too early either, I almost lost my powers that day and with them… everything that could have been.” 

His head must have been reeling if the way he rubbed at his forehead was any clue. “Please continue. Did you go back to her and side with the church?”

“I went with Claude.”

“You’re making this extremely hard for me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Let’s hear it then. Why Claude?”

She risked a touch, placing her hand on top of his and rubbing circles with her thumb. The beginnings of a smile tugged at her lips when instead of withdrawing, he relaxed a little at the gesture. “His path felt the closest to neutrality. The Alliance was more detached from the very obvious Kingdom versus the Empire fight that was going on. Claude had his own ambitions, of course, but there was less, well, violence involved than Edelgard’s. It seemed like the easiest path to end this war. The morality of it, too, felt so much simpler.” She realized she had gone astray with her thoughts and scrambled to explain. “I-I’m sorry, I don’t mean it like—”

Dimitri raised a hand to stop her. “No, please. Do not apologize. I can certainly understand why Claude would be a good choice for you, as much as it pains me.”

“_Dimitri_…”

“So, you ended the war. In a better position, morally. Why didn’t you stay then?”

Byleth’s blood ran cold in her veins. The ice reached all the way to her heart and sliced her open, bleeding memories and pain and all the regret that had destroyed what could have been a peaceful future for her. Claude could have been good for her. But the battle of Gronder haunted her still. Hilda’s voice echoed in her mind and she couldn’t _breathe_. _I saw him._

“Byleth?” Dimitri called when she didn’t respond. “Hey.”

_He collapsed._

“You’re freezing.”

_The Imperial soldiers—_

He definitely took off the cape now despite her quiet protests. He draped it around her shoulders and continued to rub her arms to share his warmth, a caring gesture that only broke her down further. Here she was admitting all the ways she had failed him, all the times she hadn’t chosen him, and Dimitri still treated her with such love.

_Why did he have to go like that?_

“Love? Talk to me, please.”

Giving up on staying detached, Byleth launched herself into his arms, pushed against him as tight as she could go. Dimitri didn’t hesitate to return the embrace, rubbing soothing circles onto her back, whispering nonsense words of comfort. “I’m-I’m sorry,” she gasped. “You shouldn’t be comforting me right now… I’m saying such awful truths to you and you continue to…”

“Such nonsense. Did you think I would be okay with watching you suffer because you didn’t immediately choose my class from the two-minute conversation you had with me beforehand?” He pressed a kiss to the crown of her head, before sighing deeply. “I won’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt. Childish though it may sound, the idea that I had succeeded back then in catching your attention… That of all the classes, of Edelgard and Claude who were so damn convincing, you would pick me, it had made me happy.”

“Dimitri…”

“I would like you to finish your story first. And if you need help letting it out, please don’t hesitate to reach out for it, not because you think my feelings are hurt.”

“You’re too kind,” she exhaled, melting in his arms. Kind, sweet prince Dimitri, hiding such darkness behind bright blue eyes. How had she not picked him first? She was so _glad _she had picked him last, even if it hurt his feelings. Because she couldn’t have stopped herself from retrying back then. “I couldn’t live with myself, Dimitri, because of the battle of Gronder.”

He froze up against her. The battle hadn’t been kind in this timeline either. Fighting classmates, Claude, the loss of Rodrigue… “It happened then too?” he asked in a small voice. “I don’t suppose I agreed to join forces with Claude then, did I?”

Byleth buried her head deeper into the crook of his neck. “You weren’t well…” It was all she needed to say.

“I am so sorry,” he said, the emotion palpable in his apology. She shook her head against him, dismissing the thought. “The battle happened here too, though. I can’t imagine it was any easier now than it was back then.”

“Claude didn’t die.”

“I don’t understand. Claude didn’t die here either, he… Oh.” He tightened his hold on her. If he used any more strength, she wouldn’t be able to breathe, but she enjoyed the intense pressure. It grounded her, told her he was still there, close and warm and alive. “I did. Didn’t I?”

“I killed Edelgard as well. A bit later. With my own hands.” She shuddered against him. “And her words then, the fondness in her voice, even in a timeline where she hadn’t been so close to me, they made me believe that perhaps I could guide her towards a different path as a teacher.” _I wanted to walk with you._ “So I went back to Edelgard’s class with the hope that I could lead her towards a different path.”

He didn’t interrupt her, just nodded at her to continue.

“I was wrong. And I mean, terribly wrong.” Her chuckle didn't hold a hint of mirth to it. It fell as hollow as people had thought her to be, back before her years as a teacher had softened her. “The war happened, anyway, except I was minus one house leader, and I ended up exactly where Claude had led me, only without Claude. It was not good enough.”

“Am I to assume I died in that timeline as well?” _Like an animal._ “Battle of Gronder again?” he added at her silent confirmation.

“I saw you in a dream, you know. After. You looked so _real._” Her voice shook but didn’t break. “You tried to explain yourself to me. And I knew, Dimitri, I knew that more than anything, this was the reason I chose to leave the previous life and the one I had then. I had to help you. I had to try. So, I went back once more and picked your class.” She let out the tiniest of chuckles. “And every student I could grab along the way. Did you ever notice the absurd amount of transfers the Blue Lions had?”

“I-Well, _yes._ You did that _on purpose_?”

She pushed back to look at him, rubbing the beginnings of tears from her eyes. A glimpse of a smile played on her lips and Dimitri’s expression twitched slightly, unsure if he was able to match it at the moment. “I could protect the students I had on my side. So I took with me as many as possible. I ought to feel bad, I think. I used things I knew about them from other timelines to convince them. Knew how to approach them, which skills would tempt them. I wanted to save their lives. Is that terrible of me? Does the end justify the means?”

Dimitri blinked at her, mouth agape as he digested the information. “No. No, love. No. Goddess… All the things you have done, without us ever realizing them…”

“You’re not mad at me?” Byleth dared to ask, hope closing up her throat.

“_Mad_?” Dimitri raised his voice in a way that sounded more like a yes than a no. He got up from the bench and began to pace in front of her. The tiny forget-me-not was still lodged between his pale blond locks and it would have been a comical sight with this reaction if Byleth’s stomach hadn’t twisted in knots from the anxiety. Was this it then? “Byleth, you- The war of Fodlan was the second worst thing I’ve ever experienced. For most of us, it _was_ the worst thing we’ve ever experienced. And you come here, telling me that you went through it _four times_ because it was impossible for you to save both Edelgard and myself and beg me not to hate you because I was not your first choice of house leader? Because you chose Edelgard once and spent three more lives trying to change that? Or because you could have had a happy life by Claude’s side and threw it away because you wished to save my sorry self, maddened and enraged though I was? Have I missed anything?”

Byleth couldn’t find her words. Dimitri’s tone, angry and upset, did not match his words. She blinked the tears from her eyes, but they spilled down her cheeks, warm against her chilled skin.

He deflated, though his chest still rose and fell in exaggerated motions, his breaths too deep and close to shaky. "All that time... when I dismissed you, when I treated you like nothing... did you not wish you could go back and make a better choice?"

"I went back to the start to _save_ you. I was not going to abandon you again,” Byleth replied as if it was the most obvious truth in existence.

When she first heard that shaky, chocked sound, she didn’t recognize it for what it was, until she caught sight of the tear tracks on his cheeks glimmering in the pale light of the moon. “Dimitri!” she gasped and rushed to him, pushing his hair away from his face, shushing him and apologizing at the same time. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Dimitri.”

In a blink, Dimitri had closed the distance between them, his lips stealing the last of her breath away. The intensity of his kiss betrayed his desperation, the way his knees bent and shook told of his apology. He wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her off her feet, closer and closer. “Do you not understand?” he asked the moment they parted for breath. “I’m not angry at you, Byleth. I’m _heartbroken. _No, wait,” he stopped her before she could apologize again, “not for me. Not because you chose me last, or whatever else you thought would hurt me. I’m heartbroken because you’ve suffered for _so_ long, for us. For _me._ Alone. Does anyone else know about this?” She shook her head and his face crumbled once more, tears spilling down his cheeks. “How could you carry that burden alone? My love, my _beloved_, you deserve so much more than that. You have tried so hard.”

The bottom of his eyepatch was gathering tears, so Byleth reached out and undid the knot keeping it in place. With tender movements, she took it away and smiled in the face of the hesitant, self-conscious expression Dimitri often wore when his scarred side was revealed. Warm hands wiped at his tears, ran through sensitive skin and scar tissue, and lingered there for a moment until a shiver ran through the king’s spine. On her tiptoes, Byleth stretched to leave a soft kiss on his skin, as if she could chase the mark away. Though she would never manage to do just that, Dimitri always melted under the touch there, the care that went into it.

“You can tell me anything,” he insisted. “You don’t have to go through anything alone anymore. You have seen the worst of me and refused to turn away. There is no need to hide. Nothing could make me hate you.”

“Thank you, Dimitri.” Byleth’s whole posture relaxed with her exhale, the relief shaking her whole. Her legs threatened to fold beneath her.

And Dimitri, to prove once again that he was awkward and kind and hopelessly in love, got down on one knee, cradling one of her hands in both his own. “Marry me, Professor,” he grinned, the exchange of her name with her old title a tease, for she had chided him then, the first time, when he had still called her professor even after suggesting they exchange rings.

“I’d marry you now if I could,” she replied with honesty. She wished, not for the first time, that her heart was beating so she could feel it thrumming against her chest, so full of love for the man before her.

“Only a few hours left, my love.” His grin faltered out of nowhere. The hands holding hers twitched, then froze in place. Before Byleth could ask, Dimitri pushed himself to his feet, though his gaze remained to the ground. “Byleth. Are you still thinking of going back to the start?”

Byleth's mind screeched to a halt. “I… Dimitri…” she choked out, her words as incoherent to him as her thoughts were to herself. She longed to say no. It burned inside her, the desire to promise him to stay. It would be so simple. This timeline had been by far the best she had achieved. Dimitri and Claude were both alive. As were her students _and_ the teachers, after recruiting them all. And most of all, she was desperately in love with the man in front of her. Dimitri, her Prince Charming, who had listened to all of her secrets and betrayals and wished to marry her regardless. “I want to say no, I do. It’s just…”

Dimitri’s trembling breath, so full of fear, broke something inside her. She struggled to finish her thoughts. “I feel so _guilty, _Dimitri. With all these powers, I feel like it’s my duty to save you all. And it’s _killing_ me that no matter what I try, I _can__’t_… It was the same when my father died.” His head snapped up at the mention of her father. The implications must have not crossed his mind. “I turned back time. Again and again. It didn’t make a difference. Sothis called it Fate.” He looked like he had a million questions. About her powers? Her father? Fate? Sothis? She didn’t know. He was kind enough to let her finish. “Perhaps that is the case with you and Edelgard as well. Fate… But I don’t know if I can live with that, Dimitri. I’m trying so hard, I promise.”

His lack of words for her hurt, but she knew it couldn’t be half as bad as her claim stung him. Dimitri pressed a chaste kiss to her lips, quick and a little hollow. “Let’s go back inside, my love. We have a big day ahead.”

“Dimitri…” Byleth didn’t know where to go from here. “You _promised_.” _Don__’t chain yourself with me. Don’t get trapped in your word if you can’t take this. I will understand if you let me go._

His attempt at a smile lacked something, as did his reassurances. “I know. And I will see you tomorrow.” They fell empty to her ears and she wondered if she had just lost something she would never take back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> o.o Ah, whoops.
> 
> Note: Dimitri calling Byleth "Professor" during the proposal is taken from the Japanese version where he very /clearly/ calls her "sensei" despite the fact that he has just asked to exchange rings. *facepalm*
> 
> One chapter left! Might take a bit longer to upload though. Busy weeks ahead. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who left comments and kudos! Please give this chapter some love too! ouo Thank you and see you next time~


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, all! The final chapter ran too long so I split it into two chapters! There's going to be a final installment after this one! Thanks to everyone who left kudos and comments for the support!! Hope you enjoy this one!

“Professor, we need to—_whoa_, you look amazing.”

Byleth jolted on the spot. Sylvain’s awestruck voice brought her back from her daydreaming. Her former student stood in the doorway of her room, dressed in his finest clothing for the occasion. Even his unruly red hair had been neatly combed and pushed back. Against all her nerves, she managed a smile for him. Sylvain, who had been with her throughout all lifetimes. His reasons for joining her each time were questionable at best, but she had appreciated the consistency, the company, despite his claims of animosity. She had grown close to him; she knew he was so much more than what he pretended to be.

“Are you ready?” he asked with a bright grin. “Everyone’s waiting.” He must have noticed her pale at the news, for he was quick to add, “Unless you want to run away, in which case, I could probably sneak you out the back. I’m good at hiding from people! Especially when it comes to love problems. We’ll be out of here in a second. On my word.”

“I’ll manage, though I appreciate the offer, Sylvain,” Byleth reassured him.

“Seriously, though, Professor. You look gorgeous. Go out there and show all of Faerghus how great you are.” That characteristic softness to his voice always showed the nicest parts of Sylvain. Her smile turned more sincere as she followed him.

She and Dimitri were to be married in the monastery, as per tradition. He had asked her before, if she wanted them to reach out to Rhea to marry them, even if she had gone away following her retirement. Byleth had preferred Seteth. There was too much history with the old Archbishop, most of which she would never truly understand. Seteth on the other hand had treated her like family, and not because of any delusion that Byleth would suddenly turn into their mother.

They arrived at the entrance of the Cathedral, not a moment too soon either. The wedding procession was just coming to an end with Sylvain taking Mercedes’ arm last minute to follow Annette and Dedue, Ingrid and Ashe, Felix and Bernadetta inside. Kids from the monastery and who had to be… Rafael’s little sister?…walked down the aisle next, spreading flower petals on their path. Alois came to stand next to her, an enormous smile on his face. His eyes were already full of tears, crinkled with pure happiness at the sight of her.

“I know I’m not Jeralt,” the older man said, gruff with emotion, “but I hope you’ll allow me to walk you down the aisle. I promised him to take care of you. It would be an honor to do this in his place.”

Sothis help her. Her eyes stung already and she hadn’t even set foot in the cathedral yet. “The honor would be mine.” If possible, Alois beamed even brighter.

His arm around hers held her tight. Grateful for the support, she returned his smile, albeit more subdued. Together they walked inside, his grip on her increasing when he felt her tremble.

The inside of the church was decorated in shades of white and blue and just a little bit of green to match Byleth’s more divine details. Flowers lined the vibrant blue carpet that stretched from the entrance to the end of the aisle, where she didn’t dare gaze upon yet. Most brides would look towards their husband for support, she was certain. After yesterday’s farewell, Byleth was afraid of what she would find if she did. Instead, she let her gaze roam around, taking in the familiar faces around her. Flayn and Cyril, twin grins like sunshine turned towards her. Catherine and Shamir, Hanneman, Gilbert looking surprisingly close to tears, no doubt full of pride for his young King. He had cried at the coronation, too, she recalled. Manuela, next to Dorothea and Ferdinand, looking equal parts exasperated and thrilled at where Byleth had ended up. Caspar’s enthusiastic wave and Lindhart’s subtle smile. Ignatz next to Rafael, who had his little sister on his shoulders and the two of them stood far too high above everyone else in their vicinity. Marianne, then Leonie, next to Lorenz and Lysithea. Petra who held with her all the glory of the Queen of Brigid, sitting next to the King of Almyra. Byleth blinked at Claude’s playful wink, accompanied by Hilda’s flirty wave. He had been invited as promised, but she hadn’t believed he’d come. Up at the front, in two lines leading to the altar, her Blue Lions. Her most beloved class. Half of them were crying. Felix had a smirk on his face, too pleased to hold it back.

Byleth wanted to sob. She wanted to stop time right there and fall to her knees, bawl until she had no more tears left to give. Happy tears for all the people who were with her today. All those kids, her students, her friends. She had managed to get them all here. They were safe and they were happy. They were here for her.

Her knees trembled and Alois adjusted his hold on her to keep her up.

At last, she found the strength to look. There. At the top.

_Dimitri._

His hair, freshly trimmed yet still long, had been pulled back from his face in two small side braids that joined in the back. The rich royal blue of his suit, lined with inky black, brought out the vibrant color of his eye, as well as the glimmer of fresh tears gathering in it. And he was beaming. Byleth couldn’t recall the last time she had seen him smile with so much life behind it. Dimitri had once called her own smiles mesmerizing. She had nothing on the sunshine he was granting her now.

They stopped in front of him for Alois to pass her hand onto Dimitri’s. Byleth barely noticed the exchange, enraptured as she was at the sight of him. Yet she reached out to him, wiped the tears away from his face. His wet chuckle only made her own eyes sting too.

“Dimitri…” she whispered, letting some of the fear spill into the single word. The day before, he had looked so hurt…

He leaned closer towards her to whisper into her ear, so quietly that only she could listen. “I love you. And I will stay by your side for as long as you wish to stay, for as long as you’ll have me.”

Byleth, without much needed thought, pulled him into a sudden kiss, overwhelmed with affection. Giggles and gasps were heard from the crowd, harmonizing with Seteth’s panicked _“not yet!”_ behind them.

Dimitri’s carefree laughter was worth the chastising.

* * *

Reality caught up to them sooner than later, and with the wedding festivities over, the otherwise happy couple had to return to their duties. Fodlan remained a long way from peace, and both the country and the Church needed some serious reform. The latter of which was making Byleth spiral. The distance between Garreg Mach and Fhirdiad did not make matters any easier and the extended amounts of time she spent away from her husband pushed her even harder into her work.

“Your Grace, with all due respect, it is very late. Perhaps you should retire for the night and continue in the morning.”

Byleth pressed two fingers to her forehead, rubbing at the aching spot there. Seteth’s advice came from a place of concern, she knew, but the idea that she couldn’t handle this only annoyed her further in her stressful state. There were so many things she needed to do, so many issues she needed to fix. Her distance from the Church as a child, combined with her experiences with Edelgard and even Claude, brought forth the unfairness of the Church’s practices with ease and an aching desire to fix it from the inside out. It was for her students who had been mistreated, not for Rhea, that she had taken this job and gave so much of her life to do it in a way that was fair.

“I appreciate the concern, Seteth. Regrettably, there’s too much work to be done,” Byleth sighed.

“It will still be here tomorrow.”

“There will be more work tomorrow.”

“Your Grace—”

“I need to _do_ this, Seteth.” She cringed at the way she raised her voice. The anger was misdirected and Seteth didn’t deserve this. “I apologize. This isn’t fair to you.”

Seteth frowned, before gesturing to one of the seats in front of her desk. Byleth nodded her permission. “Your Grace—”

“Please, Seteth, just call me Byleth.”

He stammered for a second at the interruption. “Uh, very well. Lady Byleth…” Win some, lose some. “Is there perhaps something else troubling you? I understand the need to help people, of course, but what you are doing to yourself is not healthy. You can confide in me. I am here to aid you in anything you need.”

Byleth fell back into her chair, closing her eyes. Exhaustion rolled off of her in waves. “You are not going to like what you hear.”

“Ah, but this is about you. My feelings towards the matter are irrelevant, no?”

She clenched her eyes shut, fingers digging into the arms of her chair. “She was not entirely wrong.”

“Who, your Grace?”

“Edelgard.”

The room felt colder at the mention. She didn’t need to open her eyes to see how tense Seteth had gotten at the sound of Edelgard’s name. The destruction of Garreg Mach, Rhea’s abduction… Edelgard was an enemy of the Church first and foremost and having the Archbishop herself claim she had been right had to be shocking, if not borderline blasphemous. “Do not misunderstand me.” Byleth rubbed at her eyes. Perhaps she should have listened to him and gone to rest instead. “I do not agree with the war. Of course not. But the Church _was _corrupt, Seteth. Still is, in some ways. Think about what happened to me. What gave Rhea this much power over humans? What right did she have to experiment on them like that? How was she _any better_—” Byleth took a deep breath and let the thought trail off. “I’m sorry. I should not be saying such things, especially in your presence.”

She dared to open her eyes again. Guilt washed over her at the conflict on Seteth’s expression. “Seteth, I…”

“I want you to know I had no idea what Lady Rhea did to you. You must believe me, Byleth.”

A smile graced her expression, gentle in a way her words hadn’t been to him. “Of course.”

“And I understand your frustration with the Church as it is. Or I am trying my best to. I believe in you. I believe you will do great things. But not if you overexert yourself in this manner. Is it the thought of Edelgard, then, that causes you to push yourself so hard?”

Byleth rested her arms on the desk in front of her to hide her face in her hands. “I could not save her, Seteth. I tried and tried and tried. Saving her meant I hurt everyone else, there was no other way around it. And I could not do that.” A trembling breath shook her shoulders, twisted her words into the beginnings of a sob. She knew Seteth could not understand her grief and she longed to tell him the truth. Of her powers, of the alternate lives. Sothis was his family. Perhaps he already knew. He could understand better than anyone. But how could she reveal such truths to him, without telling him of the time she went against him? How would Seteth ever look her in the eye again when her image was tainted with the knowledge that she had once struck down Flayn right in front of his eyes? “I feel so guilty. All the time. Like I failed her. Over and over again. And yet… I don’t think I have the strength to try again. I am exhausted.”

Seteth was frowning but he nodded. Whether her words had clued him enough without an explicit confession of her power, or it was simply confusion that lined his expression, she didn’t know. But as promised, he was here to support her. “Then this pursuit of yours…you wish to honor Edelgard’s wishes? Her memory?”

“This might not be what she would have wanted, but I thought…I don’t know…I think she would have liked it. Fixing the institution from the inside out. And selfishly, I thought it might help me let go. I _need_ to let go.” _I need to stop feeling a moment away from running. I can__’t do this anymore._

“I think that is a noble pursuit, your Grace. However, I do not believe what you are doing to yourself right now is healthy. Marianne told me you have been unwell the past few days. Please, get some rest. We will work on your goals together, I promise. But you need to take care of yourself to be capable of doing so.”

She had been feeling off the past few days. Dizziness mostly and some nausea. She hadn’t thought the news would reach Seteth, though. It wasn’t that important. His stern look when she attempted to protest, however told her it was time she relented for once.

Seteth smiled when she got up from her seat with a short nod.

“Perhaps you’re right. Thank you for listening.”

A wave of vertigo hit her once she was on her feet. With a gasp, she reached blindly for something to hold on to and found Seteth’s arms clutching on to her. “Your Grace!” he exclaimed, voice twisted with concern.

Spots blurred her vision, and she groaned against the pain. “I’m-I’m fine.” She swallowed thickly, fighting against the bile in her throat. “I’m okay.”

It was ironic then, how those were her last words before the world went black around her.

* * *

“You need to take it easy, Professor,” Marianne chided, with a voice too gentle to be a proper scolding. “Please. We all care about you. Watch out for yourself.”

Byleth thanked the girl with a nod and a small smile.

“I’ll leave you to your rest.” Marianne headed for the door, before she remembered to add: “Oh, I believe Cyril sent a message to King Dimitri as well. You were supposed to go back to Fhirdiad today, is that right? You should wait until you are feeling a bit better.”

“He didn’t… say anything, did he?” Byleth asked, frowning.

Marianne smiled. She looked so divine when she smiled, Byleth couldn’t help but return the gesture. The days when her student would distance herself from everyone were gone and her professor couldn’t be more grateful. “Of course, not. These are your news to share.”

She sank into the pillows the moment she was alone in the room. Her head was spinning and not from the nausea. There was too much to think about, too much to consider. Her life with Dimitri had been… a dream. Despite the work, the distance, the problems they had to face, she was happy. For the first time she felt like she could stay. She could choose this life and stick with it and refuse to reset. With every day that passed, the idea that she could go back to the start and change her actions sounded more and more exhausting, until the very thought of losing what she had made her sick to her stomach.

And yet, having no need to erase her life differed too much from being deprived of the choice. _You still could. Run now. It__’s not too late, not yet. _No. No, she could not. She didn’t want to.

Byleth took a shaky breath. One hand grasped at her shirt, the other came to hide her eyes from the light. It worked well to hide her tears when they started spilling from her eyes, but it couldn’t stop the trembling sobs that escaped her lips in tiny gasps of air. She was happy. Truly. She was. But she needed to _mourn_.

Mourn for the loss of her student. And the lives she could have had. Mourn for the lost chance to see her father once more, to joke with him, to hold him. She wept and felt the relief wash over her, for there was one less decision she had to make. No longer would she wonder if it was time for her to go, no longer would the guilt overwhelm her happiness, for it could never be that strong again. It was over. She could stay.

She would _stay._

* * *

_“My teacher… claim your victory.”_

_How had they gotten here? How was this their fate?_

_“Your path lies across my grave.”_

_Byleth started walking towards her. How were her hands not shaking? The click of her heels echoed around the room like a heartbeat, even when she had none. And for the first time, she understood what it meant for her heart not to beat, because how else did she walk up to her student with such steady movements, her weapon clutched tightly in her hands?_

_“If I have to fall… let it be by your hand.”_

_How could Edelgard love her with such devotion when she had never known a time with her teacher by her side?_

_“I wanted…”_

_Byleth raised her weapon. Her limbs wouldn_ _’t obey her anymore, stuck in time and fate and the cruelty of her own past actions._

_“… to walk with y—”_

“NO!” Byleth startled awake. Her hands gripped at both her heart and stomach, though no sound of comfort would come from either. She longed for the day she would feel movement in at least one of them. With her focus centered on calming her heavy breathing, she didn’t notice the second presence in the room until the bed dipped with the weight of another person, and a pair of hands cradled her shaky, smaller ones. “Dimitri?”

“Did you have a bad dream, my beloved? I should have woken you.” He reached out to push mint green tufts of hair away from her face and let his hand rest there, against her cheek. She leaned towards the touch, placing her own hand on top to pull him closer.

“What are you doing here? I thought I was meant to come home.”

“Forgive me, my love, but did you truly send me a letter that said you were too ill to travel and expect me to stay in place?” The humor in his tone was tainted with concern. She reached forward to kiss the frown away from his face. “I missed you,” he exhaled, relief and contentment warming his voice. “Are you all right?”

“Dimitri…” She took a steadying breath, going over what she would say in her mind. “I need to talk to you.”

Byleth startled at the hurt that crossed his face for just a second, before he pulled away from her. What… “Byleth, please. If you…” Dimitri’s voice shook and every crack broke her heart a little more. “…if you’re going to leave, please just do it. If you need to go, do not explain yourself to me. I promised you I would be here for you for as long as you wished to stay. I cannot blame you for holding me to that promise.”

“Dimitri…” Byleth gaped. “_What _are you talking about? I’m not…” His words clicked suddenly and her insides twisted with remorse. “No, no, no.” She shook her head with frantic movements and took his face in her hands, bringing him close.”I’m not leaving. I will _never_ leave you.”

“But your powers…”

“_Listen to me. _This is the life I want. I refuse to exchange it for anything else.”

Something broke in his expression, some barrier shattered and he folded in half, relief and joy radiating from him in waves, in the way his shoulders shook and in those happy tears of his that she never tired of seeing. “Oh, thank the Goddess. Oh, my beloved, that is _wonderful_.”

Byleth tutted. She brought a hand up to ran her fingers through his soft blond locks, smiling when he melted at the touch. “Dimitri… I’m so sorry. How long have you been holding this in?”

“It doesn’t matter now. None of it matters. If you’re _certain_—”

“I am.”

He closed his eyes with a heavy sigh, the smile so perfect on his lips like it always belonged there. She wished for a life where it never had to leave. “Then, my love, what is it that we need to discuss?”

Byleth took one of his hands in both of hers, guided it over to rest on her belly. There would be no sound there just yet, but the gesture remained. “I’m not ill, Dimitri.” Her lips tilted upwards, contrasting his frown. She gave their joint hands a careful squeeze. “We are expecting.”

His silence unforeseen, Byleth bit her lip in anticipation. Worry began to rise inside of her. Did he not understand? Or did he not want this? “Dimitri? Please say something,” she tried again, unconsciously mirroring his words from their proposal.

“I- I’m sorry. What did you say?”

Her grip on his hand tightened to hide how badly she had started to shake. “We’re going to have a baby. You’re going to be a father, Dimitri.”

“A father,” he repeated. His expression gave nothing away and after so many years, Byleth finally understood the frustration everyone else had with her.

“Yes.”

“Of a child.”

“That is usually how that goes, yes.”

“Our child.”

“I would assume so.”

“You’re pregnant.”

“So I have been told.”

Byleth let his hand fall from hers and looked away. Hurt started to fester under her skin, spreading through her veins. Whatever reaction she had expected, it wasn’t… this. The news of her pregnancy for her had been a sign of the life she was meant to live, the life she _chose_ to live. She longed for the future promised, for the happy family she had never experienced. If Dimitri didn’t want this… She didn’t know where to go from here.

“Byleth…” Dimitri gasped, startling her out of her thoughts. He had a hand hiding his face and Byleth thought he was crying. “Do you have any idea… Goddess, how could you…”

Pale green eyes widened, she hesitated to reach out to him, her hands stuck mid-air, unsure if she should touch him.

“My beloved, do you have _any_ idea how happy you have made me?” _Oh_.

Dimitri hooked his arms around her and lifted her up, spinning them around the room. He buried his face into the crook of her neck, kissed the skin there, then down her collarbone, then the spot above her breast. Byleth wrapped her legs around his torso to balance herself, laughing. Her fingers stroked his hair as she rested her head on top of his and she kissed the top of his silky tufts. “_Dimitri,_” she chided. “Next time _start_ with that. B- for worrying your professor.”

“I thought you told me not to call you that anymore,” he laughed.

“_C-_ for worrying your _wife_.”

“Byleth!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter left! (Though tbh I already want to come back to this concept? AU? idea? There's so much to be done here!) Please let me know what you thought c: Til next time~


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life moves on for Byleth and as her world settles around her, she realizes some beginnings don't really have to end.

The months that followed were simultaneously the best and the worst. Nobody ever spoke about how difficult pregnancy could be, especially when Byleth was used to her own strength and independence. There was an off-putting… vulnerability around her now that ranged from embarrassing to uncomfortable and the bed rest demanded of her far too often, because she worked too hard the rest of the time, could drive her up the wall.

And yet, for every moment of frustration, for every unwarranted cry and discomfort, there was a memory of pure bliss to brighten her thoughts. Dimitri on his knees, with tears in his eyes and his head against her stomach to listen to the sounds of life inside of her. Afternoons spent in much the same way, a look of adoration on her husband’s face, awe and admiration in every smile, every caress. Walks around the palace gardens, talking of nurseries and baby names and the future they would share.

Fear lurked in the background as well. Both their mothers had passed in childbirth and the knowledge of the danger clouded some of their more quiet moments together. His touch was sometimes too soft, too tender like he was afraid she would break in his arms. His eyes took her in with a hunger, shrouded with fear. It’s going to be fine, Byleth reassured and Dimitri nodded as though he believed her but then his kiss would be a hint too desperate and betray him.

All the reassurances in the world, of course, meant nothing in the face of the reality before them.

* * *

“Give me a Demonic Beast to fight! I’ll fight anyone! I’ll fight the Immaculate One if I have to, just make this_ stop_!”

Dimitri pushed her sweaty hair away from her forehead with his free hand, while the other was stuck in Byleth’s death grip. She may not have had his immense strength but it was still astonishing how he held back any protest at the rough treatment. She was grasping him hard enough to leave a bruise. “Breathe, my love, breathe.” He kissed the top of her head and despite everything, she felt him smile. “What did Rhea ever do to you?”

“Do _not_ get me started on that,” Byleth growled. Another contraction tore a cry from her, and she fought to control her breathing with Dimitri’s guidance. “For the love of… I want to go back to the war… It was easier.”

“My beloved, I know you’re in pain, but considering your powers, please do not joke about that.”

She half groaned, half sobbed, stretching her neck and burying her face in the drenched pillows behind her. “_Please_… Mercedes, how much longer?”

Mercedes rushed to her side at the call. She took the washcloth at her side and wiped the sweat from her brow and neck, muttering comforting words. “Soon, Professor. Soon. The baby’s crowning.”

“You need to _push_, Professor,” Manuela told her and the slight judgment in her voice earned her a glare fiery enough to cause her to backtrack in a second. “Okay, okay. Follow my lead, come on. You can do this.”

The two of them guided her through it, even though after a certain point their encouragements and instructions faded into one another. The world around her melted into nothing, faces and voices and colors blurred into one, until all she knew was how much _pain_ she was in. She must have started sobbing, she thought, shaking and mumbling nonsense. She had the faint sensation of someone stroking her hair and she tried to focus all her attention into it, but it was not enough to cut through the haze created around herself.

One thing did.

Byleth gasped when a cry pierced through her clouded world and brought back color and sound and feelings other than agony. Dimitri stilled against her, a hand flying to his mouth. He noticed her try to move and helped her sit up slightly, before planting a hungry kiss into her lips. His tears mixed with hers, the smile that split his face mirrored on her own. “I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.”

Mercedes giggled as she approached them, a squirming bundle in her arms. She had cleaned the worst off of him and by the time he was in his mother’s arms, the newborn prince had ceased his crying. His parents, on the other hand, had just begun.

The healers continued to work on Byleth, closing wounds and making sure she would not continue to bleed. She paid them no mind, enraptured as she was by the brilliant jade of her son’s sparkling eyes, the soft pout on his lips. Byleth reached with a trembling hand to touch them, and the baby puckered his lips as though to kiss.

“My Goddess…” Dimitri breathed. He wrapped his arms around his wife and son and pulled them tight against him. His voice was surprisingly steady for the shaking of his large frame. “He’s perfect. Isn’t he?”

“Perfect,” Byleth repeated, laughing. “I love you. I love you so much.” She tore her gaze away for half a second to look at her husband. “I love you both.”

Dimitri leaned down to kiss her once more, even when he couldn’t shake the smile off his lips. “Any regrets?”

“No,” Byleth gasped or sobbed or… Oh, she didn’t even know anymore. “No. I promise.” The adoration in Dimitri’s smile could make her start crying all over again.

“Do you have a name?” Mercedes asked, mirroring their joy.

Byleth took her son’s small hand in hers to plant a kiss inside his tiny palm. “I actually… have an idea.”

Dimitri copied the gesture to her own hand, eliciting a quiet laugh from her. “What is it, my love?”

The baby cooed in her arms, like he was excited to hear it too. “Eloy…” She looked up at Dimitri and blushed at the confusion on his face. “Chosen,” she explained. “It means Chosen. I thought…”

“I love you,” Dimitri sighed. “It’s perfect.”

Byleth passed him the bundle, suppressing a laugh at the panic that crossed his face. “Hold him. You won’t hurt him, I promise.”

“I’m not good… with fragile things.”

“Trust yourself. Trust _me._”

She had never seen Dimitri handle anything with such care before in his life. The little prince watched his father with wide eyes, curious like his mother’s, while Byleth studied the expressions flash in Dimitri’s face. Fear and love and awe, he struggled with the overwhelming emotion. How had she ever believed she could leave them behind? She could never achieve a future more perfect than this one.

“Eloy Blaiddyd,” Dimitri mused. “I love it.”

“Welcome to the world, little Prince.”

* * *

“Can you say ‘_Fear the Deer_’?”

“I’m going to run you through with my lance, I swear.”

“Are you really going to traumatize your son _just_ for the pleasure of shutting me up, your Kingliness?”

“I could take the baby outside.”

“_Teach_! You wound me. Don’t take his side!”

Byleth smiled as she watched the two banter, enjoying the sight of them together. Claude had, as promised, grown to be a close friend to the royal couple and Byleth never tired of spending time with him in this context. A unique kind of serenity settled over her when she was immersed in this reality where both her old house leaders could coexist, happy and _alive_.

Little Eloy gurgled in her arms, reminding her of another reason to be content.

It worked like a charm to distract Dimitri as well. His face, when she passed their son to him, was unlike anything she had ever experienced in this lifetime or any other. She wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Claude noticed it too, and he huffed, shaking his head with fondness at the pair. “His Majesty really has a softer side to him, doesn’t he? Never thought I’d see him make that face.” He turned to her next and Byleth bit back a groan at the mischief in his eyes. “Say, Teach, you look very happy too. Motherhood suits you. And since you’re in such a good mood…” There it was. “… do you think maybe it’s time you parted with that secret of yours?”

Byleth wrapped her arm around Claude’s waist, fighting back a smile at the red tint it brought to his cheeks. “You know what, Claude? Some things are better left unsaid.” She smacked a quick kiss to his cheek. “Let it go.” She had, after all. And it had brought her so much peace.

“_Teach!_” Claude protested, all flustered and annoyed.

“That’s quite enough.”

Dimitri’s voice startled her. For a moment she thought she had upset him with this casual act of intimacy, and she turned, ready to apologize or explain. There was nothing between Claude and her, but she wouldn’t blame Dimitri for any misgivings, not with his knowledge of lives past.

She needn’t worry, however. Dimitri wasn’t talking to them at all. No, instead he pretended to scold the infant in his arms who had grabbed a thick lock of his father’s pale hair and _pulled_ with all of the infamous Blaiddyd strength behind it. Prince Eloy for his part stared, fascinated, quiet like his mother too at times, but the sparkle in his eyes betrayed mischief worthy of his Uncle Claude.

“You’ve been here for half a day and you’ve already corrupted him.”

“You’re welcome, Professor."

* * *

“Hey… I feel like I haven’t been here in a while, even though I work at the monastery so often. I ought to feel ashamed about that, I think. But… you know how I am about emotions, I didn’t know what I would say even if I came. I have gotten so much better at it, though! Laughing and crying—happy tears, too. I think… I think it would make you happy.”

“His Royal Highness Prince Eloy Jeralt Eisner-Blaiddyd is turning four tomorrow. I cannot believe it has been so long… You would like him. I’m certain you would. Let’s be honest, though, you would poke fun at his title so much. _Even _if we named him after you, much to the disapproval of most of the court, who already had their doubts about me. They wanted us to name him Lambert. I’ll admit I told Dimitri that maybe we should have used his father’s name myself, but he insisted. He said with his father being an old king of Faerghus some descendant was bound to inherit his name. He preferred we honored you instead. Do you think he’s trying to gain your favor even now? Pleasing ghosts would be… quite in character for him. I didn’t fight him on it. I wanted to honor you too.”

“I feel like I can breathe... Finally, I can just… be. I never told you about my powers, so I don’t expect you to understand but… you cannot imagine how relieved I am not to use Sothis’ powers anymore. They were never meant to be mine. And I think I did my best. Wouldn’t you say so? What would you say… if you were here…? Dad…?”

Byleth closed her eyes against the breeze. It carried the scent of flowers left on the graves around her, tinting the air with a sweetness unfair to the sadness inside her. She didn’t frequent the cemetery in Garreg Mach. She did not wish to speak to the dead, for she wasn’t sure she believed they would listen, and the memories of her husband obsessing over them still haunted her nightmares sometimes. It was enough to turn her away from the idea.

With the changes happening in her life, however, she needed to take a moment sometimes, and when her steps had led her there, the words had tumbled out of her lips before she could acknowledge to whom she was speaking.

Byleth lowered herself down to her knees and attempted without much success to make herself comfortable. She could spare another few minutes.

“Look at me. Talking to ghosts… I guess I used to do that before, but she is long gone by now…”

“_Excuse me_. I am _not _a ghost.”

Byleth jolted, one hand flying to her heart, the other to her belly. A mirage appeared in front of her, green hair and green eyes and an ever-present scowl on her young face. “Look at you staring! Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten me already!”

She gaped, at loss in front of Sothis’ presence. “You… you said you would disappear.”

“And I also said I would stay with you forever!” she complained, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “Our souls are bonded, remember? I would come back when you needed me to. When you’re in danger. And when you’re lonely.”

Byleth frowned. Betrayal tainted the joy of seeing her friend. Hurt marred her expression. “But all this time… When I was looking for guidance… That was when I needed you.”

“Don’t you _get _it? You would never be happy with a decision _I _made for you! I couldn’t coddle you again, not for this! You needed to make a choice yourself, otherwise you would never cease to wonder! Honestly, the way you continued to abuse my power… I thought you’d drive yourself mad.”

“I almost did,” she admitted in a small voice.

Sothis’ harder edges softened at the tone. She smiled at her, a small gesture of admiration she didn’t expect from the Goddess herself. “And yet, look at you. Look at how much you’ve achieved. I knew I was right to merge with you, but I never expected how well you would do.”

Byleth returned the gesture, blinking the tears from her eyes. “Thank you.”

Sothis nodded with newfound determination at her positive response. “Now, there’s still work to be done. But I trust you with it. I know you won’t let me down. Get up. On your feet, come on! I can hear them coming.”

Byleth heard them too. Not for the first time, she wished to know what it felt like for her heart to flutter in anticipation. Then again, looking at her secret friend in front of her, she thought perhaps it was not that horrible of a trade.

“I shall take my leave. Don’t want his Majesty to think you’re talking to ghosts now, do you?”

A high-pitched voice reached her already, the perfect company to the small hurried footsteps running towards her. “Mama!”

Byleth waved at the toddler rushing forward to meet her, with his father not too far behind.

“Oh, and Byleth?” She spared one last glance at Sothis, in time to catch her wink. “Name your daughter after me, won’t you?”

“I don’t think your Church allows this,” she whispered, while her hand came to rest on top of her swollen belly with a fond smile on her lips.

“And they say they follow my word… Such nonsense. Well, take care now.”

Eloy jumped into her arms, giggling when she lifted him up to plant a kiss on his cheeks.

Dimitri frowned despite his smile, but she waved his concern away. It was still early. She could lift her son without much trouble and proceed to give her husband a matching kiss to erase his worries if it so pleased her. “Who were you talking to, my beloved?”

“An old friend,” Byleth hummed, wrapping an arm around his waist so he could lead them away from the cemetery, the ghosts of her past, towards a much better sight.

“Can we meet them?” Eloy stretched his neck to look at her, a toothy grin splitting his face.

“El, my love, I hope you never need to.”

Dimitri seemed to understand, for his single eye widened in shock at her words. There was a question in his gaze. Was she all right? Did she need help? Did she… need to?

Byleth shook her head. She clutched both boys closer to her, taking in the warmth from both sides. “Never again,” she promised. “I have no need for anything but you.”

It took her too many tries to figure this out.

There was no such thing as a happy _ending_. Nothing ever really stopped. A story arc in their lives could close and then they had to learn how to live again with the knowledge. The only true ending was death and even then it only ended for one person, the one who died, while for everyone else it was just yet another beginning, cold and cruel and filled with so much potential and so many choices they could drown in them. Byleth suffocated under the vastness of her choices every day. And she marked her endings in timepoints, but they seized there only because she never really tried to stay for longer. But the truth was, and she understood this now, that none of them had ever been an ending. Instead she had stopped something before it could even begin. And she had had enough of it.

Perhaps there were a million possibilities she could have taken, lives upon lives upon lives she could attempt to see. But if there was even a single Byleth out there in some parallel universe that was happier than the one here, then good for her. No amount of promised happiness in the world would be worthy enough to give up what she had now.

It was time for her to see the rest of her story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG. I'M SO SORRY. 
> 
> But!! I hope you all liked the conclusion! I do want to return to this AU at some point. (Fun fact: there were certain scenes and realities in this story--some from Dimi's POV--that were not included, because sometimes mean is too mean and I wanted them to actually be... mostly happy. But that might be another story for a different time).
> 
> Please let me know what you thought! I'd really appreciate it. 
> 
> Also I forgot to mention it before but find me on tumblr at saltfics . tumblr . com

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Thank you for reading! I have not written fanfiction in like... two years, maybe? Definitely never for FE before. So please let me know what you thought of this!!
> 
> This story is going to wrap up in 2 more (significantly longer) chapters. It should end up at around 15k in total.
> 
> Next up: Byleth confesses her past lives to Dimitri. How well do you see /that/ going?
> 
> See ya next time~


End file.
